You would think that home is the one place that you can go to in order to be yourself. I feel like when I am home it is when I question who I am the most. A lot of my cousins and I were brought together with similar family values but our economic backgrounds are very different. When I go to Port Elizabeth I find that when my cousins talk about me to their female friends that they want me to meet they “brand” me via my material possessions. I find that before I meet people they already know where I live and what I drive. They have no idea how I got what I have, they don’t know if I am gay or straight what they know is what I have.When I drank Castle lite in PE I am not treated any different in PE and Johannesburg. I have been asked why do I drink Castle Lite and not Heineken. One of my cousins said “Ayifani nawa” which means it’s unlike you. Insinuating that I should be drinking something like Heineken. They asked what are the girls going to think? My other cousins drink Carling Black Label, they associate it with being a real man.
So where I am supposed to be at ease the most I find a lot of pressure to be the person that my family has branded me to be. I have to question if this is the person I have shown them that I am or is that the person that they would like me to be?